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Heavyweight title? Contenders this year include Debby, Ernesto, Gordon, Helene, Isaac, Kirk, Leslie, Nadine, Patty, Tony and William. ILLUSTRATION BY KENDRA PLUMLEY
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I, of the hurricane
A storm's name should exude power and conviction. So where did 'Bob' come from?
BY LEN SOUSA
Every June 1 here on the Atlantic rim we enter another hurricane season, and every year it seems the number and intensity of storms increases. At least that's the old story. But in the words of a taxi driver I once met, "I ain't no weather man."
What I do know is that every year the silliness and unoriginality of storm names seems to increase. This is despite the fact that most names are recycled every seven years. The difference being that some storms strike land and others do not. Those that do reach land are often retired soon after and replaced with an equally inadequate name beginning with the same letter.
The last big hurricane to strike this area was a victim of such poor naming. In the summer of 1991, Rhode Island, Connecticut, and southeastern Massachusetts were all victim to a Category 3 hurricane named Bob. That's right - Bob. Feel free to check your shorts.
It's hard to feel terrified by anything named Bob. Someone says the name and I can't help but think of Bill Murray in "What About Bob?" Hardly a character who evokes anything but mild annoyance, and certainly not one capable of gale force winds or 10-foot storm surges. Bob was a strong hurricane, though, and it completely obliterated an enormous oak tree in my family's back yard. I loved that damn tree. But could I ever look to the sky, and in my best Bill Shatner, yell "BOOOBBBBBBBBB!" at the top of my lungs? Unlike the murderous Khan of Star Trek II, there's just no power or conviction behind the name. (My apologies to Bobs everywhere.)
So my suggestion for the World Meteorological Organization, which is responsible for storm names, is to rethink their naming protocol. We need to honor the individuals and trees affected by these storms with something that truly represents their potential harm.
This year, the WMO has come up with the following noms de terror for the Atlantic basin: Alberto, Beryl, Chris, Debby, Ernesto, Florence, Gordon, Helene, Isaac, Joyce, Kirk, Leslie, Michael, Nadine, Oscar, Patty, Rafael, Sandy, Tony, Valerie and William.
I really don't mean any offense to these names, but honestly, if strength and damaging winds are your game, Sandy and Oscar should not be your name. Take my name, for example. Could you imagine being terrified by someone or something named Lenny? Unless he's a used car salesman, there's probably little to be worried about. (Actually, I've been told Lewis Black did a bit about a Hurricane Lenny and what a ridiculous name it was - so I know I'm not alone in my thinking.)
Here's my idea: Let's pick one strong, frightening, and intimidating name for the storms and just number them after that like royalty. France went all the way to Louis XVIII. And imagine how seriously people would take something like Katrina II: The Return.
Of course the trick is coming up with the right name. It has to be one that evokes the qualities appropriate for such a force of nature. Something that communicates clout and a potential for evil. An omen of disaster. After much deliberation, I've decided on the perfect name: Ivan.
Ivan is the most popular name in Bulgaria and the most popular for Russian tsars (number IV was the one known as "The Terrible"). Rocky Balboa's battle royale in "Rocky IV" was even against an intimidating, six-foot Russian named Ivan Drago played by the Swedish Dolph Lundgren. In short, Ivan is a name with history. Albeit it's a Russian history, but one that evokes the powerful potential nature of Atlantic storms.
In terms of hurricanes, the last Ivan we had was in 2004. It turned out to be the strongest storm of that season, and indeed lived up to its namesakes. Unfortunately, because it did strike land, the WMO retired the name in the spring of 2005. Meaning that there will never be another storm named Ivan in the Atlantic basin ever again. Like Hurricane Bob before it, the name was replaced by another beginning with the same letter and will next be used for the 2010 season.
Unlike its predecessor, however, the name lacks the oomph or heart-racing excitement of Ivan. In fact, the name is more likely to conjure up images of Richard III's hunched back and crooked grimacy without even the threat of power seizure or a decapitation. The name? That's right: Igor.
Mercury Weather News Flash: Tropical storm Len is building intensity as he continues to move in a north-northeasterly direction and is officially upgraded to hurricane status over the next 24 hours. Expect long windedness, torrential wordfall, and a high chance of exaggeration as he reaches print. Please stay indoors and tune in to www.len-sousa.com for continuing updates.
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